Money.

Money, or how much a person has, is generally an indicator of nothing. But money, and how someone spends what they have (or don't have) can be an indicator of, well, probably a lot. The "money" thing is a loaded subject - and one that I am so uncomfortable with. I'm glad I have some of it, but I think I would do much better with wampum, or living in a primitive-yet-friendly tribe where members traded skills, chickens and all cooked over a common stove. But all kidding aside, we're back to the school decision, and at some level it boils down to "money."

We found out this week that C got into the Catlin Gabel School off of their "wait pool." They told us she was high on their list and that they wanted her to be part of the small 17 kid classroom. Who doesn't want their child to be cherry-picked for a top-notch school, a premium education? But at nearly $20k a year, just how big of a pool are they picking from... We have to let them know by May 9th, whether we're in or not. And the following day, we got the Portland Public School Lottery letter notifying us that Chiara is waitlisted at Buckman (and for this we feel lucky, as we know some people who were flat-out rejected). But naturally, in keeping with the drama of this whole process, we won't know officially where we are on the Buckman waitlist until after the deposit is due to Catlin. And then there is the poor little neighborhood school, Irvington Elementary (I so want to love you more than I do) where I just don't believe C would thrive like she should. So, given these choices and my nature of being overly-thorough, I find I must torture myself by talking to anyone who can give me insight to these options. And what am I learning? That it all seems to come down to money.

Those for whom money is no object, it would seem, have a much less difficult time choosing Catlin. Paying that tuition (times 2) doesn't crimp their lifestyle, nor are they fazed by being part of a community where nearly everyone appears to have an abundance of wealth. Choosing Catlin *would* put a crimp in our lifestyle and I, personally, am fazed by being part of a wealthy community. But I don't want my baggage to affect this choice for my daughter. So, I find myself thinking very rational thoughts about how the commute alone would lower the quality of our family life, how money we wouldn't spend on tuition could go to any number of enrichment opportunities, etc. etc. So, why does some part of me fear that I would be cheating C out of an amazing educational experience? Just because I've always been more comfortable connecting to the working-class, immigrant roots part of my background - even though I grew up among the uber-wealth of Boca Raton, Northwestern, etc., doesn't mean my children shouldn't broaden their level of comfort among various social classes. Yuck - just the fact that I'm writing about this discomfort *and* the fact that this dilemma is steeped in bourgeois angst - is an irony that doesn't escape me and certainly disgusts me.

Well, I think I know what our decision will be and I will simply have to accept that every choice I make for me, for C, for us, will open up new opportunities while limiting others. I guess it's my job to be on it, be aware of what's going on with C's development - and just try to be at peace with the process. I mean, why did we even apply to those elite schools? To have choices and options. And the burden of having those options is actually having to choose one. I am grateful we can afford the choice.